Of Woman Unbound
In the language of the traditional hero quest the life of a warrior can be said to follow the road of trials. In other words, a warrior’s life is filled with challenges of the mind, body and soul and should never be undertaken by the faint of heart. While such a lifestyle is more trouble than most would be able to bear, let alone survive, a barrio warrior is even more difficult as it requires a continuous bombardment of challenges that go well beyond those of the traditional warrior’s burden and each challenge is intensified exponentially due to the racial and economic bias that is directed towards ghetto dwellers by society. In this context, I believe that we can gain a better understanding of my new identity by considering a few themes that would help to contrast the influences of the man inside of me and his absolutist nature with those of the woman inside of me and her more passionate and emotional nature.
It’s easy to detect the influences of the man inside of me when compared with those of the woman. That is, on those occasions when it didn’t matter to me what the consequences of my actions might be, whether it was my own death or that of my loved ones, I was behaving fully and completely under the influence of the man inside of me. In other words, I will refuse to give in to any demands being made upon me and accept whatever consequences there are as long as they are cashed out in this world. I would never be willing to accept the consequences of what would happen if I were to give in to the threats that were being made against something I believed in absolutely. Let me be perfectly clear. It isn’t that I don’t care about the welfare and well being of others. Rather, it’s that my primary concern for others is cashed out in the realm of the eternal and not necessarily in the immediacy of the world in which I live. In this context, the question that is always asked of me is how I know what is or is not an appropriate decision for the realm of the eternal. I don’t really know. The fact is that my reactions whenever I am caught under such a set of circumstances are always instantaneous and automatic.
While I have no concrete evidence of the fact, I feel that I must believe that the man inside of me is not of this world. That is, ever since I can remember I have had this automatic pilot inside of me that takes me over whenever the situation calls for it. I know that when I try to describe it for myself I think of the Kung Fu notion of Chi. The old man holds out a pebble and tells Cain to take the pebble from his hand. The moral of this scenario is that so long as Cain has not evolved to become one with his inner Chi he will fail. Once he has achieved this inner oneness he will have the ability to succeed in taking the pebble. It is with a sense of oneness with my Chi that the man inside of me is able to intervene in the affairs of my life with blazing speed that does not require any forethought. Also, it is the lack of forethought in relation to a personal historical analysis of the times in which the Chi has presented itself in my life that lead me to conclude that the man inside of me is of another world. That is, my reactions in life are always governed by my Chi whenever there is a threat to something I believe in absolutely and it is apparent to me that these reactions are being governed by someone or something beyond my personal consciousness.
The woman inside of me is more difficult to characterize because of her relativistic nature. If it could be said that there exists a symmetry with the man inside of me that is seated in consciousness, I would have to say that the woman inside of me has a corresponding focal point that is seated in the heart. Also, even though I don’t always know when my feelings will emerge to intervene in the affairs of my life, I can say that they present themselves in a variety of situations, some immediate and some very time consuming. Furthermore, I can also say that in direct symmetry with the man inside of me that dwells in the realm of the eternal, the feelings of the woman inside of me are fully and completely of this world and all of its physicality.
In all fairness to the woman inside of me and with love in my heart, it would never be the case that I would simply say that one is better than the other. Such an outlook is so not what I would want to say that I won’t even dignify it with a second thought. Unfortunately, this might not be the way that most people see things. The fact of the matter is that most consecrated human beings are committed to a realm in which the woman is primary.
The battle for supremacy between the man inside of me and the woman inside of me in a war of love becomes even more muddled and complicated. That is, I think it is possible to draw a contrast between the masculine and the feminine even among those that have already been consecrated and are committed to the primacy of the feminine. Stated differently, I can’t even discuss what I believe with others because there would be no point of reference for them to understand what I mean. Let us say that in this world everyone exists in a reality that is fundamentally feminine. The only reference point we have with which to speak of gender is sex. If I try to describe my understanding of what is masculine I am confronted by the idea that men who have sex with men are feminine while men that do not are masculine. Most of these masculine men don’t even know that they exist in a world that is primarily feminine. Thus a masculine identity that isn’t already committed to the primacy of the feminine is unheard of and virtually impossible to assert. However, such a conclusion does not have the luxury of my automatic pilot and certainly could not be considered to be a reflection of the man inside of me that is not of this world.
It is because of the woman inside of me that I am able to experience many of the wonderful feelings generally attributed to being human such as the love between a man and a woman. In this context we can also attribute a degree of intensity to the woman inside of me as well. That is, on a scale of abstract to concrete, if you ask a man about a rose he might tell you that a rose by any other name still smells as sweet. If you ask a woman about a rose she will not only see the rose in all of its details, she will also see the drop of dew on the rose peddle and every single line of contour, the richness of its smell and its texture. To those that would advocate for the primacy of the feminine, it is this element of concreteness in all of its richness of textures and smells and feelings that they most cherish. It is for this reason that so long as I am in and of this earth, the man you see before you will be a reflection of the woman I have inside of me.
In leading the life of a barrio warrior it has been necessary to knowingly and intentionally make choices that lead to the realization of personal hardship and loss and often without the guarantee of gaining my objective. In other words, the man I carry around inside of me is always willing to incur hardship as a matter of principle. Most recently, for example, it became necessary to give up my position of employment in the face of a three thousand dollar a month salary increase for simply looking the other way regarding the treatment of finances in the company I was working for. I had already informed the owner that harm was being caused to others as a result of how things were being done and I could not allow myself to continue under his employment unless I knew I would be allowed to correct the situation. Subsequently, I became unemployed and have had to suffer the financial consequences. I would rather suffer the consequences of my unemployment than to do harm for the sake of profit and personal gain.
In this scenario one could more or less calculate the effects of doing the right thing but sometimes it was necessary to put my welfare and well being on the line without knowing what the consequences might be. There was a time, for example, that I saw three guys pushing and threatening a guy that happened to be handicapped and was wearing leg braces of the kind that people with polio wore in those days. In retrospect, I now know that it was the man inside of me that was controlling me when he sent me immediately running across the street where they were taunting and pushing the guy. Ordinarily, I may have reacted rather cowardly at the thought of confronting three guys. This was not the case under the influence of the man inside of me. I ran across the street and immediately instructed the guys to leave him alone. They quickly turned to me and said that if I didn’t like it they would kick my ass. I told them that I didn’t care what they did but that they better leave him alone right now. People were beginning to gather and the guys just left the scene but the fact remains that I didn’t know what was going to happen, I just could not allow the situation to continue because I object to the mistreatment of the handicapped absolutely.
During most of my young life as a budding pre-teen I thought I was a coward because I was afraid to fight and I had a tendency to run away from physical confrontations. Also, I could feel the sensation of fear chocking me even while it fueled my escape. However, as I got older and had a personal history to look back upon, it was possible for me to identify those occasions when I was acting instantaneously because of the influence of the man inside of me and I realized that I could never be considered a coward. That is, when something threatened to violate one of the basic principles that make me who and what I am inside, I would always respond without fear of consequences. What this meant to me is that on those occasions when I was acting out of fear it was because I was not understanding and it was the lack of understanding itself that created the fear. It was at this point in my life that I learned the true significance of what the act of reflection could do for me.
As I became older and had already lived through a lifetime worth of challenges made against the integrity of my inner most values, the time had finally arrived for me to undergo my last rite of passage. This time, what was at stake was nothing less than my eternal soul. The time had come for me to once and for all declare the primacy of the man inside of me or the woman inside of me and it certainly didn’t help that “absolutely” everybody else was encouraging me to “keep it real”. The mystical assault on my spirit that I had to endure has been relentless and has actually spanned my entire lifetime in differing degrees of intensity. In this way I came to learn that reflection could serve a very significant purpose in the path towards self-discovery.
With my newly realized ability to reflect upon my life, I now had to turn my attention to the historical significance of the woman inside of me. It seemed clear to me that she was responsible for everything that we all consider to be the stuff that makes life worth living. It was also clear that on a scale of abstract to concrete the greater the influence of the woman the more concrete the experience would be. In this context then, anything dealing with my sensations, the feelings caused by the senses, all sense of touch, smell, taste or sound is governed by the influence of the woman inside of me.
Unfortunately, all of our fears, uncertainties and anxieties are also governed by the feminine influences inside of me. The negativity that is associated with hatred, anger, malicious intent, self-centeredness, jealously and so many other human limitations of understanding are also products of the feminine influences within me. To simplify the situation we can say in abstract terms that the feminine element of our existence requires a balance of what we might call good and evil. It is in the difference between the two extremes that the vibratory energies that serve to create the physicality of our existence are actually made possible.
I was beginning to understand how Curley Tops was able to impregnate me and provide me with the wisdom that was necessary to survive my encounter with the gang bangers from the corner. This would also, no doubt, explain my overwhelming desire to fuck anything with a heartbeat, as they say. The sexual drive is apparently the engine that drives the vibratory energies responsible for our physicality. Thus, the female desire to be procreative is in fact a vital impetus of our physical existence wanting to propagate itself beyond itself or at least beyond the end of one physical existence and into the next. In this way the cycle of life and death transcends itself in time.
Having considered the influences of the feminine element, it would seem that our physical existence represent a system of life that could potentially sustain us ad infinitum. Still, it is necessary to consider the masculine influences within me as well. In this context, however, it is going to be extremely difficult to express given the ethereal nature of the masculine element. Not to worry, however, as this is my nature and the place from whence I have come. The first principle I think I need to describe involves the age old question of the chicken and the egg. In this context I wish to address the primacy of the masculine over the feminine. That is, according to Greek mythology, woman was born out of the mind of Zeus. In more natural terms, the idea of going from a whole to parts is entailed in the whole but the idea of the whole is not entailed in parts. In fact, it is because of this lack of inclusion in the parts of the whole that it is particularly difficult for me to convey the true significance of the masculine within the realm of human existence.
The most important aspect of the masculine element is the holistic orientation that it provides us that governs the parameters of our manifest physicality. As we seek to conceptualize our move from the whole to its constituent parts in the creation of this world, the governing impetus of our existence reflecting the masculine supremacy was already encoded into the genetic fiber of our being. Thus, for those individuals that can be considered gender traditionalist’s, the answer to the ageless question of who’s on top will always be the man inside of me. That is, I prefer living the life of a feminist and promoting the equality of the sexes as far as living in the world is concerned, but when it comes to the spiritual nature of my emotive reactions and my essence, my belief in the primacy of the absolute will always be undeniable. My feelings as they reflect the woman inside of me have never, nor will they ever, take precedence over the Chi of the man inside of me.
It turns out that the final rite of passage is centered on my understanding and relationship to the notion of death. The choice of an entire lifetime comes down to one simple question and the answer to the question is revealed in the decree proclaimed by the sheer power of my will. As the decree itself is bound by both the ethereal and corporeal elements of my existence, it shall only be revealed by what I do rather than what I say. In this context it seems clear that my willingness to endure the hardships of life for the right to maintain the integrity of my inner most values absolutely and project them into the realm of the eternal has made it clear that I have chosen the path of the eternal and upon transitioning from this life in time I shall relinquish the feminine influence that keeps my existence bound to this physical manifestation.
For those that would wish to know what eternity has in store for existence I have no answers. I simply believe that all of the values I have learned throughout my lifetime, including those I have learned from the woman inside of me, are being projected into the future by my will. I feel love and kindness and I do not fear. I have no idea what this might mean for life beyond the realm of time in which we now exist but everything seems to point to my finally going home to the realm of the eternal which is the whole from which my part in this world has been derived.
For Curley Tops